The 5 Pillars

I feel like I’m having a breakdown on the inside, and I can’t show it.

I’ve always lived by the expression, there are 5 pillars to happiness. Family, friends, your love life, your health and your Income.

Lately I feel like everything is going downhill and the stress and anxiety is starting to hit me. What I think is even worse is that now, that I’m older, I have to maintain a face, keep it all together.

When I was younger I always had anger issues, and even though I may have gone through things the wrong way, I usually got my aggression out of my system in one way or another. Now that I’m 26 years old, I’m hitting adulthood with bills, challenges I didn’t have to face when I was younger.

My job has been getting the best of me, and though I know I’m good at what I do, the vibe at my office just seems to stress me out. I caught myself 2 seconds away from exploding and just quitting. In my head I flipped over the desk in an outrage and left my mark with a vengeance. I’ve already started looking for new work, because I’d figure I just need a different change of pace.

My love life is sweet, but nothing is ever perfect. I adore my guy, but there’s somethings I wish I didn’t have to struggle with. Especially when it come to little things like attention and feeling appreciated. I won’t say too much because I like to keep some things private. But I know many of us reach that point where doubt starts to kick in, and even though  his presence alone just brightens up my day, sometimes that just may not be enough. All women want romance, to be wooed and shown they matter.

I haven’t spoken to  my mother in three years, and sometimes I wonder if my lack of commitment or looking for faults in people come from her. Not necessarily because she runs away from people, but because if my own mother who gave birth to me, finds a way to not need me in her life, why would a random stranger take in the responsibility of keeping me forever?

If my own mother doesn’t love me, why would anyone else?

My mother’s birthday recently just passed, and even though I bought her a present, my dresser drawer seems to be enjoying it more. I just haven’t worked the nerve to actually handing it over to her. Not because the merchandise is anything dramatic, but because it actually means in making an effort to acknowledge her.

Over the years I have shown up to the house and always said hello to her. I’ve always gotten ignored, and honestly at the moment, I could care less. Whenever I get to my own place, I shrug it off…for the moment.

My health, who the hell knows. About a year and some change ago ( and first time I’m admitting to this on the net) I found out I had PCOS. Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome. Which would explain my lack of periods and weight gain. Having an irregular hormone balance leads to unwanted body and facial hair, not to mention the fact that I may have fertility problems. I’m not thinking of having kids right now, but I’ve always to see what a mini me would look like. I may not ever get the chance of having that feeling. And even though it’s not impossible, it would sure be difficult.

Friends, I feel start to decrease the older you get. Your circle gets smaller, and that’s not always a bad thing. When I was younger I had a different group of friends for almost any mood I was in. I wanted to go dancing and party it up, I had a set for that. I wanted to have a night in and just potato it on the couch with some wine? I had friends for those. Some you travel with, some you shop with, some you get into deep conversations with, some you just stay quiet and soak up moments.

It’s not like that anymore, we all grow up and lead different lives. We all have so much going on. Every single person is their own world. I have great friendships, that no matter how long passes we can continue to carry on like nothing ever happened. Those are the ones I adore.

I’m sure I know what you’re all thinking… these all have easy fixes, get a new job, sit down and talk to your guy, work things out with your mother, go see a doctor, make some plans with your friends…. but sometimes on paper, things seem easier than they truly are. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, sometimes I have an amazing day and smile at everything and everyone. Today I woke up with a heavy burden. I felt like I was carrying it all on my shoulders. I have so much going on, so much to do, so much I want to accomplish. Sometimes I want to drink it away, sometimes I want to break something. Right now, i would love to bash something and get out my frustrations, but I know that’s only a temporary fix. Lately I find myself walking away, and go for a run, simply so  I can let some of the adrenaline escape my soul.

I want to take things one step at a time, I’m only one person. Sometimes I feel lonely and feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to. And even if I speak, I don’t want to seem weak… like I don’t have my life under control. So for now, I’ll continue to take it one day at a time. Try not to over think things and just remember to breathe. I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else.

And you want to know something else, I’m done with filtering myself when I have something to write, this is my blog, my website, and as much as I adore you all… if you don’t like it.. you know where the red box with “x” on the corner is.

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